There are properties in human character that can be roughly divided into creative and destructive. People with an absolute predominance of destructive qualities on the globe, according to some information, about 10%. Of these, only 2.5% are truly dangerous. History has forever preserved images of great destructive personalities, including: Caligula, Nero, Bonaparte, Hitler, Stalin...
But the point here is not the number of wars and destroyed cities. History knows many conquerors and commanders who crossed countries and continents with fire and sword, but they are not on this list.
Destructiveness (destructiveness) is an innate personality quality, which is based on a deeply hidden fear of other people. Fear makes you see a potential enemy in everyone you meet. The fight against opponents is the main component of the existence of a destructive personality. People in this category sincerely consider themselves fighters for goodness and justice, for these concepts are firmly and unconditionally connected with their self-image. Obsessed with the idea of a threat from others, they experience especially strong fear when a strong and talented person appears nearby.
Another characteristic quality of destructive personalities is the inability to recognize their own shortcomings. They believe that they are absolutely right; attempts to convince them or prove something to them, as a rule, lead nowhere. In those rare cases when it was possible to open the eyes of such a person to the evil that he brings, the result was truly amazing. The man got sick. Sometimes it’s dangerous, because... an extremely rigid structure, in the center of which is his “Ego,” was violated.
Of particular interest is a destructive personality who has reached the heights of power. For example, the career history of such a figure as Joseph Stalin showed what a gigantic potential for self-affirmation is sometimes contained in a person overwhelmed by internal fear. We see how a sophisticated struggle with real and imaginary opponents, and then with friends, gradually turns a gray, poorly educated functionary into the owner of truly unlimited, imperial power. Then everything is typical: planting one’s own cult, an atmosphere of fear and suspicion in society, cultivating denunciation... And, finally, a very characteristic feature of such individuals is a craving for gigantic construction projects and unlimited transformation of nature. Outwardly, this looks like creation, but the nature and scale of the consequences do not raise any doubt - the Destroyer is in power.
Individual destructive manifestations can occur in almost every person. Especially in critical situations, when, for example, you want to “raze them to the ground” or “erase them into powder”... But all this can be classified more likely as a category of human weaknesses. A person who is a classic destructive personality accumulates most of the following list of qualities.
1. In conversations, as a rule, he uses broad generalizations such as “everyone knows”, “everyone is talking”, “there is an opinion”. Although he is unlikely to be able to answer the question: who exactly?
2. Usually conveys only bad news or gossip, blocks good news or distorts their meaning for the worse.
3. In any of his miscalculations or unwanted accidents, he finds the fault of his neighbor or the first person he comes across. Even bad weather can be a reason for reproach.
4. Incapable of feeling remorse or shame for what he has done, no matter how serious it may be. Cause and effect can easily be reversed depending on the circumstances.
5. Fights against constructive decisions (sometimes under the guise of an ally). Supports activities where hidden destruction occurs under the guise of improvement. He has a good sense of where such activity occurs.
6. Does not want to put up with someone else's property rights. He tramples on him at every opportunity.
7. If he has power (and often without it), he strives to suppress others, devaluing their personality, role, and merits.
8. Usually overwhelmed with unfinished tasks, because... often unable to complete a full cycle of actions.
9. Has an overwhelming influence on family and friends. Among the latter, there is an increased percentage of losers, sick people, and mentally ill people.
10. Incorrigible.
When a destructive personality appears in a team (or family), you should think about how to avoid intersecting interests. If such a policy does not produce results and attempts to regulate the relationship fail, one should decide to end the relationship in any available form. This is true for both work and family relationships.
A person who is highly demanding of others and uncompromising - a team leader, a teacher, a family member - can be mistakenly mistaken for a destructive personality. In all cases, this is easily determined by the results of his activities - they show a high creative effect without destroying relationships and the health of others.
Destructiveness is a term that is derived from the Latin word destructio, which in translation means destruction, disruption of the normal structure of something. In psychology, this term denotes a person’s negative attitude, which he directs towards certain external objects (outside), or, alternatively, towards himself (inside), as well as behavior that corresponds to these views.
Destructiveness: general
Dr. Sigmund Freud believed that destructiveness is a common characteristic of absolutely every person, and believed that the only difference lies in what this phenomenon is aimed at. Eric Fromm, in his work “The Anatomy of Human Destructiveness,” is confident that destructiveness directed outward is only a reflection of what is directed inward, and thus it turns out that if a person’s destructiveness is not directed at himself, then it cannot come from others.
Human destructiveness is a consequence of the fact that a person simply blocks the output of fruitful energy, seeing various obstacles on his path of development and self-expression. It is precisely because of failure in the complex matter of self-realization that this pathological phenomenon arises. Interestingly, the person remains unhappy even after achieving goals.
Destructiveness and its direction
As mentioned above, destructiveness can be directed outward and inward. Let's look at examples of both types.
The following facts can be considered manifestations of destructive behavior directed outward:
- destruction of another person (murder), destruction of his personality;
- destruction of society, certain social relations (war, terrorist attack);
- destruction of valuable objects, such as monuments and works of art (vandalism);
- destruction of the natural environment (ecological terrorism, ecocide).
The negative consequences in this case will primarily affect the external object, and not the person himself.
Manifestations of destructive behavior directed inward, or self-destruction, include:
- any abuse of mentally active substances (substance abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction);
- suicide (deliberate physical killing of oneself and self-destruction of the individual);
- pathological non-chemical addiction: Internet addiction, gambling (passion for gambling), etc.
There can be many manifestations and they all cause some harm, some more, some less.
Destructiveness and destructive behavior
Destructive behavior is a type of behavior destructive to a person, which is characterized by significant deviations from existing psychological and even medical norms, as a result of which a person’s quality of life suffers greatly. The individual ceases to critically review and evaluate his behavior, a misunderstanding of what is happening and a cognitive distortion of perception in general arises. As a result, self-esteem decreases, various kinds of emotional disturbances arise, which 
leads to social maladaptation, and in the most extreme forms.
Destructiveness itself is present in absolutely every person, but it manifests itself only in complex, difficult, perhaps turning points in life. This often happens to teenagers, for whom, in addition to the problems of their age-related mental health, they also have an academic load and difficult relationships with the older generation.
In some cases, destructive personality changes are also possible, which consist in the destruction of the personality structure itself or, alternatively, some of its individual components. There are a variety of forms of this phenomenon: deformation of motives of behavior, deformation of needs, changes in character and temperament, violations of volitional control of behavior, inadequate self-esteem and problems in communicating with others.
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique that is most easily illustrated by the following typical phrases: “It didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?” Gaslighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulation techniques because it is aimed at distort and undermine your sense of reality; it eats away at your ability to trust yourself, and as a result you begin to doubt the validity of your complaints about abuse and mistreatment.
When a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath uses
uses these tactics against you, you automatically take his side to resolve the resulting cognitive dissonance. Two irreconcilable reactions are fighting in your soul: either he is mistaken, or my own feelings. The manipulator will try to convince you that the first is completely excluded, and the last is the pure truth, indicating your inadequacy.
Projection
One sure sign of destructiveness is when a person chronically doesn't want to see his own shortcomings and uses everything in his power to avoid responsibility for them. This is called projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility for one's negative character traits and behavior by attributing them to another. Thus, the manipulator avoids admitting his guilt and responsibility for the consequences.
While we all engage in projection to some degree, narcissistic disorder clinical specialist Dr. Martinez-Levy notes that for narcissists, projection often becomes a form of psychological abuse.
Instead of admitting their own shortcomings, flaws and misdeeds, narcissists and sociopaths choose to blame their own vices on their unsuspecting victims in the most unpleasant and cruel way. Instead of admitting that they could use some self-care, they choose to instill shame in their victims by making them responsible for their behavior. In this way, the narcissist makes others feel the same bitter shame that he feels towards himself.
For example, a pathological liar may accuse his partner of lying; a needy wife may call her husband “clingy” in an attempt to make him appear dependent; a bad employee may call a boss ineffective to avoid having a truthful conversation about his own performance.
Narcissistic sadists love to play "blame shifting" The goals of the game: they win, you lose, the result is that you or the whole world as a whole are to blame for everything that happened to them. So you have to nurse their fragile ego, and in return you are pushed into a sea of insecurity and self-criticism. Cool idea, right?
Solution? Don't "project" your own feelings of compassion or empathy onto the destructive person, and don't take on their toxic projections onto yourself. As manipulation expert Dr. George Simon writes in his book In Sheep's Clothing (2010), projecting one's own conscience and value system onto others can encourage further exploitation.
Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum tend to be completely uninterested in self-reflection and change. It is important to break off all relationships and ties with destructive people as soon as possible in order to rely on your own reality and begin to value yourself. You don't have to live in the cesspool of other people's dysfunctions.
Hell of a pointless conversation
If you are hoping for thoughtful communication with a destructive personality, you will be disappointed: instead of an attentive interlocutor, you will get an epic brain blockage.
Narcissists and sociopaths use stream of consciousness, circle talk, personalization, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you when you disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit, distract and frustrate you, lead away from the main topic and make you feel guilty for the fact that you are a living person with real thoughts and feelings that dare to differ from their own. In their eyes, the whole problem is your existence.
Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is all it takes and you’ll be wondering how you even got involved in this. You just disagreed with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement contradicts his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, which leads to what is called narcissistic injury.
Remember: destructive people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, you are just an accomplice in a long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live for it. Trying to come up with an argument to refute their ridiculous claims, you are only throwing more wood on the fire.
Don't feed narcissists - rather feed yourself the understanding that the problem is not you, but their abusive behavior. Stop communication as soon as you feel the first signs of narcissism, and spend this time doing something pleasant.
Generalizations and unfounded statements
Narcissists do not always boast outstanding intelligence - many of them I'm not used to thinking at all. Instead of taking the time to understand different points of view, they make generalizations based on whatever you say, ignoring the nuances of your argument and your attempts to take into account different opinions. And it’s even easier to put some kind of label on you - this automatically negates the value of any of your statements.
On a larger scale, generalizations and unfounded statements are often used to devalue phenomena that do not fit into baseless social prejudices, patterns and stereotypes; they are also used to maintain the status quo. Thus one aspect of the problem gets blown out of proportion so much that serious conversation becomes impossible. For example, when popular figures are accused of rape, many are quick to cry out that such accusations are sometimes false. And, although false accusations do occur, they are still quite rare, and in this case, the actions of one person are attributed to the majority, while the specific accusation is ignored.
These everyday microaggressions are typical in destructive relationships. For example, you tell a narcissist that his behavior is unacceptable, and in response he immediately makes an unfounded statement about your oversensitivity or a generalization like: “You are always unhappy with everything” or “Nothing suits you at all,” instead of paying attention to the real problem that has arisen. Yes, you may be oversensitive sometimes - but it's just as likely that your abuser is insensitive and callous most of the time.
Stick to the truth and try to resist unfounded generalizations, after all, this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Behind destructive people who throw out unfounded generalizations, there is not the entire wealth of human experience - only their own limited experience, coupled with an inflated sense of self-worth.
Deliberate distortion of your thoughts and feelings to the point of complete absurdity
In the hands of a narcissist or sociopath, your differences of opinion, justifiable emotions and real experiences turn into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality.
Narcissists make up stories, paraphrasing what you say to make your position seem absurd or unacceptable. Let's say you tell a destructive friend that you don't like the way he talks to you. In response, he twists your words: “Oh, and with us, then, you are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. This gives them the opportunity to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.
This common distraction is a cognitive bias called “mind reading.” Destructive people believe they know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of listening carefully to you. They act accordingly based on their own illusions and misconceptions and never apologize for the harm they cause as a result. Great masters of putting words into other people's mouths, they present you as bearers of completely wild intentions and opinions. They accuse you of thinking they are inadequate even before you make a comment about their behavior, and this is also a form of proactive defense.
The best way to draw a clear line with such a person is to simply say, “I didn’t say that,” and end the conversation if he continues to accuse you of things you didn’t do or say. As long as a destructive person has the ability to shift blame and divert the conversation away from his own behavior, he will continue to instill in you a feeling of shame for daring to contradict him about something.
Nitpicking and changing the rules of the game
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is the absence of personal attacks and unattainable standards. These so-called "critics" have no desire to help you become a better person - they just love to find fault, put you down, and make you a scapegoat. Narcissistic sadists and sociopaths resort to sophistry called "game changing" to ensure that that they have every reason to be constantly dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you have provided all kinds of evidence to support your argument or taken all possible measures to satisfy their request, they present you with a new demand or want more evidence.
Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will find fault with you as to why you are not yet a multimillionaire. Have you satisfied his need to be babysat around the clock? Now prove that you can remain “independent”. The rules of the game will be constantly change and can easily even contradict each other; The only goal of this game is to make you seek the narcissist's attention and approval.
By constantly raising the bar of expectations or completely replacing them with new ones, destructive manipulators can instill in you a pervasive feeling of worthlessness and a constant fear of inadequacy. By highlighting one minor episode or one mistake you made and blowing it out of proportion, the narcissist forces you to forget about your own strengths and instead worry about your weaknesses or shortcomings all the time. This forces you to think about the new expectations that you will now have to live up to, and as a result, you bend over backwards to satisfy his every demand - only to find out that he still treats you poorly.
Don’t be fooled by nagging and changing the rules of the game - if a person prefers to suck up some insignificant episode over and over again, while not paying attention to all your attempts to confirm that you are right or satisfy his demands, it means that he is not at all driven by the desire to understand you. He is driven by the desire to instill in you the feeling that you must constantly strive to earn his approval. Appreciate and approve of yourself. Know that you are a whole person and should not constantly feel ungrateful or unworthy.
Changing the subject to avoid responsibility
I call this maneuver “What-am-I syndrome?”. This is a literal digression from the topic under discussion in order to shift attention to something completely different. Narcissists do not want to discuss the issue of their personal responsibility, so they steer the conversation in the direction they want. Are you complaining that he doesn't spend time with the kids? It will remind you of the mistake you made seven years ago. This maneuver knows no time or thematic framework and often begins with the words: “And when did you...”
At the public level, these techniques are used to derail discussions that challenge the status quo. A conversation about gay rights, for example, can be derailed if one of the participants raises the issue of another pressing issue, diverting everyone's attention from the original dispute.
As Tara Moss, author of Speaking Out: A 21st Century Handbook for Women and Girls, points out, issues need to be specific to be addressed and addressed properly—that doesn't mean the topics raised along the way aren't important, it just means that for every topic there's its time and its context.
Do not be distructed; if someone tries to change concepts, use the “sticky record” method, as I call it: continue to persistently repeat the facts without going off topic. Turn the arrows back, say: “That’s not what I’m talking about now. Let's not get distracted." If it doesn't help, stop the conversation and direct your energy in a more useful direction - for example, find someone to talk to who is not stuck at the mental development level of a three-year-old toddler.
Hidden and obvious threats
Narcissists and other destructive personalities feel very uncomfortable when their belief that the whole world owes them, a false sense of superiority or colossal self-esteem is questioned by someone. They tend to make unreasonable demands on others - and at the same time punish you for not meeting their unattainable expectations.
Instead of dealing with differences maturely and seeking compromise, they trying to deprive you of the right to your own opinion, trying to teach people to fear the consequences of any disagreement with them or non-compliance with their demands. They respond to any disagreement with an ultimatum; their standard reaction is “do this, otherwise I will do that.”
If, in response to your attempts to mark the line or express a different opinion, you hear a commanding tone and threats, be it veiled hints or detailed promises of punishment, this is a sure sign: before you is a person who is sure that everyone owes him, and he will never agree to compromise. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist that you are not joking: If possible, document them and report them to the appropriate authorities.
Insults
Narcissists proactively make mountains out of molehills whenever they sense the slightest threat to their sense of superiority. In their minds, only they are always right, and anyone who dares to say otherwise inflicts narcissistic injury on them, leading to narcissistic rage. According to Dr. Mark Goulston, narcissistic rage is not the result of low self-esteem, but rather a belief in one's own infallibility and a false sense of superiority.
In the lowest of this type, narcissistic rage takes the form of insults when they fail to otherwise influence your opinion or emotions. Insults are a quick and easy way to offend, humiliate and ridicule your mental abilities, appearance or behavior, simultaneously depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion.
Insults can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. A valid point or convincing rebuttal suddenly becomes “ridiculous” or “idiotic” in the hands of a narcissist or sociopath who feels hurt but has nothing meaningful to say back. Unable to find the strength to attack your argument, the narcissist attacks you yourself, trying in every possible way to undermine your authority and cast doubt on your mental abilities. As soon as insults are used, it is necessary to interrupt further communication and clearly state that you do not intend to tolerate this. Don't take it personally: understand that they only use insults because they don't know any other way to get their point across.
"Training"
Destructive people teach you to associate your strengths, talents, and happy memories with abuse, disappointment, and disrespect. To this end, they casually make derogatory statements about your qualities and properties that they themselves once admired, and also sabotage your goals, ruin your holidays, vacations and weekends. They can even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them. You, like Pavlov’s dogs, are essentially “trained,” making you afraid to do everything that once made your life rich.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and other destructive personalities do this to divert all attention to yourself and how you can meet their needs. If some external factor can prevent them from completely and completely controlling your life, they seek to destroy it. They need to be in the spotlight all the time. During the idealization stage, you were the center of the narcissist's world—and now the narcissist must be the center of your world.
In addition, narcissists are pathologically jealous by nature and cannot stand the thought of anything that could even slightly protect you from their influence. To them, your happiness represents everything that is not available to them in their emotionally barren existence. After all, if you find that you can get respect, love and support from someone who is non-destructive, then what will stop you from breaking up with them? In the hands of a destructive person, “training” is an effective way to make you tiptoe and always stop halfway towards your dreams.
Slander and Harassment
When destructive personalities cannot control how you perceive yourself, they begin to control how others perceive you; they take on the role of a martyr, making you out to be destructive. Slander and gossip are a pre-emptive strike designed to destroy your reputation and tarnish your name, so that you have no support left in case you decide to end the relationship and leave your destructive partner. They may even stalk and harass you or someone you know, supposedly to “expose” you; such “exposure” is just a way to hide their own destructive behavior by projecting it onto you.
Sometimes gossip turns two or even entire groups of people against each other. The victim in a destructive relationship with a narcissist often does not know what is being said about him while the relationship lasts, but usually the whole truth comes out when it breaks down.
Destructive people will gossip behind your back (and to your face too), tell nasty things about you to you or their loved ones, spread rumors that make you out to be the aggressor and them the victim, and attribute to you exactly the same actions that you accuse them of most feared. In addition, they will methodically, secretly and deliberately offend you, so that they can then use your reactions as evidence that they are the “victim” in your relationship.
The best way to counteract slander is Always keep yourself in control and stick to the facts. This is especially true for high-conflict divorces with narcissists, who may deliberately provoke you so that they can then use your reactions against you. If possible, document any forms of harassment, intimidation and abuse (including online), and try to communicate with the narcissist only through your lawyer. If we are talking about harassment and intimidation, you should contact law enforcement; It is advisable to find a lawyer who is knowledgeable about narcissistic personality disorder. Your honesty and sincerity will speak for itself when the narcissist's mask begins to slip.
Love bombing and devaluation
Destructive people lead you through an idealization phase until you take the bait and begin a friendship or romantic relationship with them. Then they are accepted devalue you by expressing contempt for everything that attracted them to you in the first place. Another typical case is when a destructive person puts you on a pedestal and begins to aggressively devalue and humiliate someone else who threatens his sense of superiority.
Narcissists do this all the time: they scold their exes in front of new partners, and over time they begin to treat new ones with the same disdain. Ultimately, any partner of a narcissist will experience the same things as the previous ones. In such a relationship, you will inevitably become another ex, whom he will vilify in the same way with his next girlfriend. You just don't know it yet. So don't forget about the love bombing method if your partner's behavior with others is in stark contrast to the sugary sweetness he exhibits in his relationship with you.
As life coach Wendy Powell advises, a good way to counteract love bombing from someone you find potentially destructive is to: do not rush. Keep in mind that the way a person speaks about others can foreshadow how they will one day treat you.
Preventive defense
When someone strongly emphasizes that he/she is a “nice guy” or a “nice girl”, they immediately begin to tell you that you should “trust him/her”, or out of the blue they assure you of their honesty - be careful.
Destructive and violent individuals exaggerate their ability to be kind and compassionate. They often tell you that you should “trust” them without first establishing a solid foundation for that trust. They can skillfully “disguise” by portraying a high level of sympathy and empathy at the beginning of your relationship, only to later reveal their true identity. When the cycle of abuse reaches the stage of devaluation, the mask begins to slip and you see their true nature: terribly cold, callous and dismissive.
Truly good people rarely need to constantly boast about their positive qualities - they exude warmth rather than talk about it, and know that actions are much more important than words. They know that trust and respect are a two-way street that requires reciprocity rather than constant indoctrination.
To combat preventive defense, think about why a person emphasizes his good qualities. Because he thinks you don't trust him - or because he knows he's not trustworthy? Judge not by empty words, but by actions; it is actions that will tell you whether the person in front of you is who he says he is.
Triangulation
Referring to an opinion, point of view, or the threat of bringing an outsider into a communication dynamic is called “triangulation.” A common technique for asserting the rightness of a destructive individual and invalidating the reactions of his victim, triangulation often leads to love triangles in which you feel defenseless and unstable.
Narcissists love to triangulate their partner with strangers, colleagues, ex-spouses, friends and even family members in order to create jealousy and insecurity in them. They also use the opinions of others to prove their point of view.
This maneuver is intended divert your attention from psychological abuse and present the narcissist in a positive image of a popular, desirable person. Plus, you begin to doubt yourself: since Mary agrees with Tom, it turns out that I’m still wrong? In fact, narcissists are happy to “tell” you nasty things that others allegedly said about you, even though they themselves say nasty things behind your back.
To counter triangulation, remember that whoever the narcissist triangulates you with, that person is also triangulated by your relationship with the narcissist. In fact, the narcissist rules all roles. Answer him with your own “triangulation” - find the support of a third party beyond his control, and do not forget that your position also has value.
Lure and pretend to be innocent
Destructive personalities create a false sense of security to make it easier for them to demonstrate their cruelty. If such a person drags you into a meaningless, random quarrel, it will quickly escalate into a showdown, because he does not know the feeling of respect. Minor disagreement can be a bait, and even if at first you restrain yourself within the bounds of politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you.
Having “lured” you with a seemingly innocent comment disguised as a rational argument, they begin to play with you. Remember: narcissists know your weaknesses, the nasty phrases that undermine your self-confidence, and the painful topics that open old wounds - and they use this knowledge in their schemes to provoke you. After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you are “okay”, assuring that he “didn’t mean to” upset your soul. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and forces you to believe that he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts happening so often that you can no longer deny his obvious malevolence.
It is advisable to immediately understand when they are trying to lure you in order to stop communication as soon as possible. Common luring techniques include provocative statements, insults, offensive accusations, or unfounded generalizations. Trust your intuition: if a certain phrase seems to you "not like that", and this feeling did not go away even after the interlocutor explained it - perhaps this is a signal that you should take your time to comprehend the situation before reacting.
Boundary testing and vacuum cleaner tactics
Narcissists, sociopaths and other destructive personalities constantly testing your boundaries, to understand which of them can be violated. The more violations they can commit with impunity, the further they will go.
This is why survivors of emotional and physical abuse often face even more abuse whenever they decide to return to their abusers.
Rapists often resort to "vacuum cleaner tactics" as if "sucking" their victim back with sweet promises, fake repentance and empty words about how they will change, only to subject them to further abuse. In the sick mind of the abuser, this testing of boundaries serves as punishment for trying to resist the abuse, as well as for returning to it. When a narcissist tries to start from scratch, strengthen the borders even more, and do not retreat from them.
Remember: manipulators do not respond to empathy and compassion. They only react to consequences.
Aggressive injections disguised as jokes
Covert narcissists love to say mean things to you. They pass them off as “just jokes,” as if reserving the right to make disgusting comments while maintaining an innocent calm. But as soon as you get angry with rude, unpleasant remarks, they accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. This is a common technique for verbal abuse.
The manipulator is betrayed by a contemptuous grin and a sadistic gleam in his eyes: like a predator playing with prey, he takes pleasure in the fact that he can offend you with impunity. It's just a joke, right? Not this way. This is the way inspire you that his insults are just a joke, a way to shift the conversation from his cruelty to your supposed hypersensitivity. In such cases it is important Stand your ground and make it clear that you will not tolerate such treatment.
When you bring these hidden insults to the manipulator's attention, he can easily resort to gaslighting, but continue to defend your position that his behavior is unacceptable, and if this does not help, stop communicating with him.
Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone
Belittling and putting others down is a destructive person's forte, and tone of voice is just one of many tools in their arsenal. Making sarcastic remarks at each other can be fun when it is mutual, but the narcissist resorts to sarcasm solely as a way of manipulation and humiliation. And if this offends you, it means you are “overly sensitive.”
It doesn’t matter that he himself throws tantrums every time someone dares to criticize his inflated ego - no, it’s the victim who is “oversensitive.” When you are constantly treated like a child and challenged on your every statement, you develop a natural fear of expressing your feelings without fear of reprimand. This kind of self-censorship saves the abuser from having to shut you up because you are doing it yourself.
When faced with a condescending demeanor or patronizing tone, state this clearly and clearly. You don't deserve to be treated like a child, much less you don't have to be silent for the sake of someone's delusions of grandeur.
Shaming
"Aren `t you ashamed!" - a favorite saying of destructive people. Although it can be heard from completely normal people, in the mouth of a narcissist and psychopath, shaming is an effective method of combating any views and actions that threaten their undivided power. It is also used to destroy and negate the victim's sense of self-worth: if the victim dares to be proud of something, then instilling shame in her for that particular attribute, quality or achievement can lower her self-esteem and strangle all pride at the root.
Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths love to use your wounds against you; they may even make you feel ashamed of the hurt or violence you have suffered, causing you further psychological trauma. Did you experience violence as a child? A narcissist or sociopath will make you feel like you somehow deserve it, or brag about your own happy childhood to make you feel inadequate and worthless. What better way to offend you than to pick at old wounds? Like a doctor in reverse, a destructive person seeks to deepen your wound rather than heal it.
If you suspect you are dealing with a destructive person, try hide your vulnerabilities or long-standing psychological traumas from him. Until he proves that he can be trusted, you should not give him information that could later be used against you.
Control
Most Importantly: Destructive People Seek to Control You in any available way. They isolate you, manage your finances and social circles, and control every aspect of your life. But the most powerful tool in their arsenal is playing on your feelings.
This is why narcissists and sociopaths create conflict situations out of the blue, just to make you feel insecure and unstable. That is why they constantly argue over trifles and get angry at the slightest reason. This is why they become emotionally withdrawn, and then rush to idealize you again as soon as they feel that they are losing control. This is why they fluctuate between their true and false selves, and you never feel psychologically safe because you cannot understand what your partner really is.
The more power they have over your emotions, the more difficult it will be for you to trust your feelings and recognize that you are a victim of psychological abuse. By learning about manipulative techniques and how they undermine your self-confidence, you can understand what you're up against and at least try to regain control over your own life and stay away from destructive people.
The destructive (destructive) principle is an integral property of human nature, however, self-control, awareness, as well as public censure protect us from its extreme manifestations: murder, violence, suicide. In general, the phenomenon of destructiveness has been little studied by psychology and psychiatry, although this term has taken root in philosophy quite a long time ago.
I was able to explain for the first time what destructiveness is and what are the reasons for its existence by proposing the theory of the desire for death. From the point of view of this theory, destructive behavior is behavior that is different from normal; it is aimed at self-destruction and, as a result, entails a deterioration in the individual’s quality of life.
Basic theories explaining the phenomenon
Destructive behavior is characterized by the presence of deviations, or deviations, which are divided according to the following criteria: the norm violated, the goals and motivation for committing the act, the result obtained. From Freud's point of view, the most important criterion of destructiveness is a result that can lead to the release of internal tension through a process that does not imply destruction.
A well-known specialist in the field of psychology says that destructive activity, depending on the state of the psyche, can be directed inward or outward:
- External forms of manifestation of destructiveness are considered to be the mental or physical destruction of a person, violation of social rules or foundations (extremism, terrorism), deliberate destruction of nature, destruction of global monuments, art and literature.
- Internal forms of destructiveness are suicidal tendencies, addictions, non-chemical addictions of a pathological nature.
He also studied the phenomenon of destructiveness; he believed that a destructive person is, first of all, an aggressive person. Aggression can be benign, that is, serving as a natural tool of life, or malignant, non-adaptive, causing social and biological harm.
In the psychology of destructive behavior, a special place is occupied by the concept developed by N. Farberow. He says that a destructive personality is incapable of critically assessing the consequences of his actions and perceives reality distortedly and often hostilely.
Such a person’s self-esteem is often greatly inflated, which is why the level of self-worth interferes with the ability to properly build communications with people. Farberow was able to substantiate not only the destructive craving of some individuals for the abuse of various psychotropic substances, but also developed an entire system of suicide prevention, which is still successfully used in the United States.
Forms of manifestation of the phenomenon and methods of behavior correction
From a psychological point of view, destruction can manifest itself in many forms, so let's look at the main, most common ones.
Destructive thinking is another variant of deviation, when a person is constantly accompanied by a deep and overwhelming feeling of resentment towards the whole world. Unfortunately, destructive thoughts come to each of us at least once a day, but approximately 40% of all inhabitants of the planet consistently think in a negative way.
To tune in to the positive, try to evaluate every thought: for positive ones, buy yourself something tasty, and for negative ones, go for a good evening run. Scientists have found that physical activity stimulates the production of joy hormones, and this is a direct path to a good mood and getting rid of destructive aspirations.
Destructive emotions are a consequence of destructive feelings that control a person. To change the psychological and emotional background, corrective work with a specialist is necessary, as well as special breathing training aimed at getting rid of feelings of internal tension and discomfort.
A destructive character manifests itself as a tendency to gloominess, unsociability, fatalism, closedness, some fear of contact with others or awkwardness in communication. Psychologists have developed special techniques to overcome these traits and form a correct outlook on life. One of the methods was proposed by a group of American psychologists; it consists of several modules:
- An in-depth analysis of the client’s destructive character traits, identifying among them those that he would like to get rid of.
- Work on realizing the need for change, getting rid of destructiveness. The truth of the patient’s desire to become different is checked, and a portrait of the desired character traits is drawn up.
- Group classes to consolidate the necessary qualities.
Destructive communication and destructive criticism are the most common causes of quarrels and open confrontation between people. History knows many examples when a simple conversation ended in war. The art of communicating correctly and productively can be mastered by, for example, self-education or enrolling in special courses. Books that contain a lot of practical advice on developing communication skills will be an undoubted help. Author: Natalya Ivanova
Important! Destructive human behavior lies between the norm and social pathology.
Destructive behavior pattern
Destructive behavior, like behavior in general, consists of many components and is reflected at all levels of human life. In psychology, behavior itself is presented in the form of an active stimulus-response connection and is divided into the following components:
- external activity (movements, actions, statements);
- internal activity (motivation, goal setting, cognitive processing, emotional response).
Important! Internal activity will always find a way out. Destructive thoughts one way or another are embodied in destructive actions.
The destructive model of behavior has a number of features:
- causes a negative, negative assessment from most people;
- does not conform to social norms;
- causes damage both to the individual and to those around him;
- acts as a response to a non-standard situation;
- associated with a negative personality orientation;
- develops as a result of lack of social adaptation;
- has its own individual characteristics.
The basis of the destructive behavior model is:
- lack of motivation;
- inadequacy;
- maladaptation;
- autism;
- lack of effectiveness.
Destructive behavior
Any human behavior is realized in society and is of a social nature and is always associated with speech, action and goal setting. Destructive behavior reflects a low degree of socialization of the individual, avoidance of society, and poor adaptation to internal and external conditions.
Important! The degree of adaptation largely determines the behavior of an individual.
Often, destructive behavior is demonstrated by people who do not have a developed sense of responsibility, who do not know how to make independent decisions and choices. At the individual level, such individuals are more likely to choose the path of abnormal behavior. They can display their destructive behavior in relation to the following social principles:
- Spiritual and moral standards s (universal human values).
- Moral and ethical standards(rules not written down on paper).
- Legal standards(rules enshrined in legal acts).
- Organizational and professional standards(instructions).
- Individual norms(individual rights in society, personal orientation towards certain attitudes and needs).
Any model of behavior is laid down and formed in childhood. At the age of 4-5 years, a child learns information that will determine his relationships with others. A full-fledged family, whose members show care and attention to each other, has a beneficial effect on the formation of the child’s psyche and lays constructive behavioral foundations. Thus, people who have not received competent education, love and warmth are at risk.
Important! Children often adopt the destructive behavior patterns of their parents.
Scientists have concluded that destructive behavior develops successfully against the background of the following factors:
- the presence of massive social deviations (alcoholism, crime, bureaucracy);
- situational deviations (the presence of speculation, marriages of convenience, etc.);
- weakening measures of social influence (reducing the level of condemnation, criticism from outside);
- liberalization of measures to combat destructive behavior (absence of fines and punishments for offenses and deviations).
Types of destructive behavior
Classification of destructive behavior is difficult, since specialists have to work with a floating value - the norm. It is subject to change, and what is considered acceptable today will be beyond the scope of adequate behavior tomorrow, and vice versa. Basically, psychologists divide destructive behavior into two large groups:
- delinquent behavior(exceeding the legal framework, violation of the law);
- deviant behavior(inconsistency with generally accepted standards of morality and morality).
Since the first third of the 20th century, many scientists, psychologists and sociologists have been thinking about what kind of behavior can be placed within the framework of deviations and destructive behavior, and whether such behavior always carries exclusively negative consequences. Many classifications have been developed. Here is a table showing different approaches to understanding destructive behavior.
| date | Scientist | Classification | The essence |
| 1938 | R. K. Merton | Subordination | Acceptance of public goals and means of achieving them |
| Innovation | Acceptance of social goals, but not the means to achieve them | ||
| Ritualism | Denial of a goal due to the inability to achieve it, but maintaining the desire to achieve it | ||
| Retreatism | Leaving society due to disagreement with its goals and means of achieving them | ||
| Mutiny | An attempt to change social goals and means of achieving them | ||
| 1981 | V. V. Kovalev | Deviations of a socio-psychological nature | — violation of discipline; — violation of social norms; — violation of legal norms; - demonstration of self-destruction. |
| Deviations of a pathological nature | - pathological; - non-pathological. |
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| Personal-dynamic deviations | - reaction; - development; - state. |
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| 1987 | F. Pataki | Predeviant syndrome(prerequisites for deviant behavior) | — affective type of behavior; - conflicts in the family; — aggressive actions; - desire for antisocial behavior in childhood; — intolerance to the educational process; - low level of intellectual development. |
| Basics of deviant behavior(stable forms) | - crime, - alcohol addiction, - drug addiction, - suicide. |
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| 1990 | Ts.P.Korolenko | Non-standard actions | Motivated destructive behavior that go beyond generally accepted norms. |
| Destructive behavior | — behavior aimed at violating social attitudes; - escape from reality with the help of psychotropic substances; — violation of rights and laws; - self-destruction (conformism, narcissism, fanaticism, autism, suicide). |
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| 1995 | V. N. Ivanov | Pre-criminogenic behavior | Ignoring the rules of behavior in public places, minor offenses, drug use. |
| Criminal behavior | Criminal offenses | ||
| 2001 | Yu.A. Clayburgh | Negative behavior | Self-destruction |
| Positive behavior | Creation | ||
| Neutral behavior | Begging | ||
| 2004 | E.V.Zmanovskaya | Antisocial behavior | Violation of legal norms, laws, criminal liability. |
| Antisocial behavior | Violation of ethical standards leading to difficulties in interpersonal communication. | ||
| Self-destructive behavior | Behavior in one way or another entails harm to oneself. | ||
| 2010 | N. V. Maysak | Deviations by nature of behavior | — constructive behavior (creativity); — self-destructive (addictions and suicidal tendencies); — externally destructive (legal violations, communication deviations). |
| Deviations by level of acceptance by society | - approved (adaptation to the group); — demonstration of neutrality (ambiguity in assessing behavior); — disapproved (deviation from ethical and legal norms). |
Destructive Behaviors
Abnormal behavior can take various forms in the context of relationships with society and adaptation to it:
- Radical adaptation(an attempt to change a world that does not suit a person).
- Hyperadaptation(setting unattainable goals).
- Conformist adaptation(adjustment to generally accepted norms with which the individual does not agree).
- Deviant adaptation (motivated destructive behavior, going beyond the norm).
- Socio-psychological maladjustment(open denial of the need to adapt to society, making efforts to avoid this).
Also, destructive behavior can be expressed in the form of the following symptoms:
- aggressive behavior towards people;
- hostility in communication;
- tendency to destroy things;
- desire to upset the way of life of loved ones;
- lack of ability to experience emotions;
- threat to someone else's and one's own life.
Destructive behavior in conflict
A conflict is an open clash of interests of individuals or even groups of individuals. Psychologists do not call for avoiding conflict situations, but, on the contrary, advise learning to manage their course. In this case, the conflict acquires the status of confrontation, the goal of which is to constructively resolve the situation and reach a consensus for all conflicting parties. Destructive behavior in this case lies in the inability to adequately conduct confrontation. Thus, we have the following conflict strategies:
- Constructive. A person strives to resolve a controversial situation peacefully, offering working solutions that would satisfy both parties.
- Destructive. The lack of skills in conducting confrontation consists of deliberately exacerbating the conflict, shifting to the opponent’s personality, inability to listen, and excessive emotionality. The deviant provokes the opponent into aggression and worsening the problem.
- Conformist. Separately, it is worth noting this type of inadequate and partly destructive conflict management strategy. In this case, the person easily obeys the opponent, tries to avoid an unpleasant argument and end it faster, agreeing with everything that is told to him.
Socially destructive behavior
Socially destructive behavior is associated with social maladaptation - a lack of understanding of the rules by which human society exists and functions. The man who demonstrates destructive and antisocial behavior, unable to find themselves in society. Thus, the destructive nature of his behavior only intensifies. Socially destructive patterns of his behavior can be expressed as follows:
- Social and personal discredit. Undermining the reputation or authority of an individual. Tendency to criticize and condemn. Openly offensive and disrespectful behavior.
- Competition. Destructive behavior can be caused by fear for one’s position in a team, which leads a person to attempts to assert himself through other members of this team.
- Avoiding sincere communication. A person exhibiting destructive behavior patterns avoids open communication. It is unlikely that he will be able to adequately answer the direct question “why are you behaving this way?”
Prevention of destructive behavior
The work to prevent destructive behavior must begin with the family and school education. It is at this age that children need to lay down those ideals that will become guides for them in the world of adults.
Important! The main difficulty that parents and teachers face is that children with destructive patterns consider their behavior to be the norm.
Psychologists working with children give several tips that will help grow a full-fledged personality that fits into the social framework:
- Understand your child. The first thing a parent and teacher needs to do is understand why the child acts this way, why he demonstrates destructive behavior.
- Create a balance at the level of need-can-want. In order to instill in a child useful habits (from reading books to going to school every day), it is necessary to maintain a proportion between the child’s need, opportunity and desire to do this. Taking into account these parameters and explaining to him why he needs to do this and not otherwise, you can ensure that the child stops automatically following the norms and acquires motivation to fulfill them.
- Activate your teenager's personal resources. Help your child realize himself in different areas of activity. Experiment, make sure he finds something he likes. This will have a beneficial effect on the processes of his social adaptation.
- Solve the problem of growing up. Infantile personality disorder often becomes a risk factor for the emergence of self-destructive behavior. Help your child gradually become an adult. Create conditions for him to have a painless transition into the world of responsibility and independent decision-making.
- Show less aggression. Try to be more tolerant of your child’s mistakes. Instead of scolding him, explain where he made a mistake and show him by personal example how he should have done it.
- Use a body-centered approach. Psychologists advise learning to work with your body, understand it, differentiate emotions and their localization in the body. This will help the child in the process of self-identification and teach him to understand himself and others.
Is a sense of duty a constructive or destructive feeling for an individual?