My husband Alex is a night owl, and I always fall asleep early. So every night, after I brush my teeth, Alex comes into our bedroom, lies down next to me on the bed, and we chat. Usually we remember the past day, tell interesting stories, share rumors, whisper all sorts of endearments to each other. Or we talk about children, discuss important life decisions, our anxieties and fears.
There is something deeply tender and intimate about lying together like this in the evenings - it’s much more comfortable than waving to each other and saying “good night” as you leave the living room.
2. Let go
In a family, we see each other at different moments - when we are happy and shining and when we are sick and stressed. When spinach gets stuck in our teeth, when we are depressed, our eyes are swollen from crying or our head is pounding from fatigue after a sleepless night with a newborn and we no longer have the strength to cope. So, of course, there are times when we grumble and snap.
Don't skimp on apologies and kisses, do it five minutes after the disagreement
If your partner is going through such a time right now and gets irritated on random occasions, ignore it. Don't escalate the situation. Don't take things to heart. Understand to yourself what the reason is and remain calm. On the other hand, if you expressed your irritation, do not skimp on an apology and a kiss, do it five minutes after the disagreement.
3. Be polite to each other
Say "please" and "thank you." Give compliments (“you smell amazing,” “you were so cool at the party,” “I’m proud of you”). Smile when your partner enters the room. Laugh at each other's jokes, even if they are corny. Focus on the best qualities of your spouse.
Overall, try to be a partner you enjoy going through life with. It sounds like a truism, but we are strangely easy to forget about it when we are stressed or distracted. It's amazing how much warmer we are with each other when we remember this.
4. Try something new together
The biggest discoveries happen in our family when we try something new together. Every now and then we shake up the old routine and try a new restaurant in the neighborhood, or stop to check out an art exhibition, or kayak down the Hudson. Even just playing a board game at home one evening can be enough to feel new in the relationship and learn something interesting about your partner.
5. Don't forget to be alone
When my husband and I first moved in together, we spent all our free time together until the day when - oh horror! - He told me that he would like to spend the day alone. An extrovert by nature, I always believed that the more time we spend together, the more fun, so I decided that, apparently, I had angered my husband in some way.
It is allowed to be irritated by each other's habits - this does not make love weaker
That evening, of course, he explained to me that he was not wired like me - he needed time alone with himself to recharge his batteries. Now we both enjoy spending time separately from each other sometimes and value this independence of ours. (Even on vacation!) This may not be a revelation to some, but for me it was an important lesson in marriage.
6. Say “I love you” in the middle of an argument.
Over the years, I have learned several important things about marriage (and am still learning, of course). Always present a united front when raising children. It is allowed to be irritated by each other's habits - this does not make love weaker. Kiss each other in the kitchen. But my husband (he is older and wiser than me) taught me a truly amazing lesson. If we argue, he says “I love you” in the middle of a verbal spat. This is incredible.
Here's what he told me this morning: “The foundation of a long and happy marriage is not that nothing bad will ever happen, but that if something bad does happen, you know how to get through it together. It is very important during an argument not to escalate the situation, but to be able to defuse it. For example, say in the middle of a quarrel “I love you. You are the most important person in the world for me." Say it, even if at this moment such words are difficult to get through your throat, because you are furious.
They keep you both from losing sight of the big picture, your life as a whole. Words of love will not immediately improve the situation, but they will help to slow down and moderate the ardor. And then, half an hour later, when you come to your senses after the confrontation, you are not tormented by questions. You know everything is still good."
Quarrels are a normal part of any family, but to save a marriage it is very important to be able to talk and understand each other. Otherwise, even a small misunderstanding and resentment can provoke a break in the relationship, which, if both spouses wish, can always be preserved.
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Saving a marriage is important only if the partners still have feelings of love and respect, but against the backdrop of everyday problems, disagreements and misunderstandings appear. Restoring family relationships that will be comfortable for both spouses requires regular and long-term work on oneself. If only one of the spouses is concerned about preserving the family, then in most cases any efforts will be pointless, and as a result the family will break up anyway. It is better to end such relationships immediately, without wasting your energy and nerves.
For a long time, a woman has been considered the keeper of the family hearth, and it is on fragile female shoulders that the responsibility often falls to negotiate and find compromises in order to preserve the marriage. To improve family relationships, refresh feelings or minimize quarrels, psychologists recommend the following to women:
- 1. Always remain an individual - a wife is interesting to a man only as long as she is interesting to herself. Do not completely immerse yourself in everyday problems. There should always be time for yourself, your appearance, hobbies and communication with childhood friends. Women in Islam pay special attention to looking beautiful for their husband.
- 2. Talk to your spouse more - do not resort to veiled phrases and subtle hints. The man will not understand them. It is better to talk about your grievances and desires directly and specifically, especially if your husband has grown cold and does not show any attention. In this case, there is a greater chance of a positive result and solution to the problem. During an intimate conversation, there is no need to interrupt each other. Let your spouse speak out first, and then you can clarify important nuances and talk about your experiences.
- 3. All quarrels are only in private - you should never swear in front of relatives, friends and children. In this case, the spouses will flaunt each other’s shortcomings, which will negatively affect not only personal relationships, but also relationships with those who are present during quarrels.
It is absolutely forbidden to quarrel in front of children, since in this case the child bears the responsibility for preserving the family and reconciling the parents. This is very difficult for a child’s psyche, and a trace is always left in the subconscious that family life is full of problems and misunderstandings. As an adult, the child will transfer all fears to his family, which will negatively affect his life.
When the question arises of how to save a family, you must first decide whether it is worth doing. It is very important to understand yourself and understand the motives for preserving the family - love and respect for your spouse or simply the fear of being left alone and leaving your child without a full-fledged family. A woman especially needs to think about it if her rival is the cause of problems in family and love.
How not to argue with your husband
Both spouses must participate in the struggle to preserve the family, so psychologists also give advice to men. If the husband does not want to bring the situation to a divorce, then he also needs to listen to the advice of professionals:
- 1. Attention and care are necessary for every woman. Men rarely value their wives for order and comfort, a warm dinner and well-mannered children, although these are the worries that take the most energy and health. It is important to regularly praise your wife, give her compliments and, if possible, help with the housework. After all, it’s not at all difficult to make your bed or wash your cup, and for your wife such care will be necessary.
- 2. You shouldn’t completely immerse yourself in everyday life. A stamp in your passport is not a reason to relax and forget that a woman needs to be constantly conquered. You can invite your wife to a restaurant for no particular reason, have a date, or simply give a bouquet of wild flowers when your beloved is not expecting it.
- 3. The wife should always come first - neither work, nor relatives, nor friends should be more important than spending time with the spouse. No matter how much a woman loves and wants to save her family, if she does not feel important and needed, nothing good will come of it.
- 4. The spouse needs to be inspired - next to her man, a woman wants to become better, and if her efforts are appreciated, then the wife will do everything in her power to make her beloved and attentive husband happy.
With the ability and desire to listen and hear each other, spouses will be able to save the marriage and significantly improve the relationship, even if the cause of the problem is the betrayal of the wife or husband.
How to survive a crisis in a relationship?
Do not forget that crises arise in family life, and this is normal. The most difficult years of marriage are the first year after the wedding, the third, seventh, fifteenth and twenty-fifth years of married life. It is during these periods that couples most often think about divorce. To save your family, you need to follow the recommendations of psychologists:
- Surprises – The best way bring newness to the relationship and lift each other's spirits without special expenses (by surprise we mean not a diamond ring, but a flower for no reason, a romantic dinner at home by candlelight, a sea of balloons after a hard day at work).
- Gratitude - instead of mutual reproaches, you need to find a reason to praise your partner every day, even for the most insignificant action (the husband drove him to work, the wife ironed his trousers, etc.).
- Memories - during crisis situations, it is better to remember pleasant moments that happened before (acquaintance, date, kiss); if possible, you can repeat these memories, for example, return to the places where lovers walked at the beginning of the relationship.
- Sex – intimate life is an important component of the relationship between a man and a woman, so in moments of crisis in the family it is worth paying more attention to sex (trying new positions, visiting a sex shop and buying toys, finding out each other’s secret desires and making them come true).
The main task of partners is to spend more time together and look for common interests, and not to move away from the family on the verge of divorce. Any
Rule #1: Look after yourself - but don't go crazy
Of course, your husband finds you attractive, otherwise he wouldn't get married, so don't feel like you have to look like a movie star every day or shell out money for plastic surgery to keep him. On the other hand, marriage does not mean that you can stop taking care of yourself. You are neat, responsible, sweet and loving - all very sexy. You're not trying to compete with his 25-year-old secretary. You don't need to apply false eyelashes or live in a beauty salon. A coat of mascara and short, clean nails is enough. Remember: if you like your appearance yourself, you will look good in the eyes of others. Do it for yourself!
Rule #2: Don’t give up on your own interests (you should have your own life!)
Some women put their husbands at the center of their lives, giving up everything that made them interesting after marriage. Others forget about their career or stop working altogether. Others are reducing communication with family and friends. Still others give up interests and hobbies - even fitness. This is a huge mistake. If you completely adapt your life to your husband and he is now the center of your universe, he loses interest in you - and you suffer and regret the sacrifices made.
Rule #3: Be a team
For a successful marriage, both spouses should remember: you are now one team. Of course, you need to continue to develop your career, communicate with friends, maintain your own hobbies, but now you need to think in terms of a couple, not an individual. Don't act like you're still single: try to take your partner's feelings and thoughts into account. Before you agree to have dinner and go to the movies with your girlfriend - it’s a big deal for me too! - tell your husband. No, you don't need to ask him for permission. What if he wants to watch this movie with you, and then it’s better to choose another movie to meet his friend.
Consider his opinion when purchasing things and making decisions that affect both of you. For example, before you empty your credit card to buy a bedspread and matching curtains, ask if your husband likes such things. Don't think that men aren't interested in this. You'll be surprised to learn that they have opinions about everything from how much time they spend apart to how they decorate their home.
Rule #4: When he gets home, he needs fifteen minutes to be alone.
Men love to be alone, even if they deny it. When your husband returns from work, don't rush to the door and dump questions, problems, and assignments on his head. This will only cause irritation, and it will seem to the spouse that he lives with an overly demanding person playing the role of his domineering mother.
He may even start deliberately coming home later. Of course, you can greet him with a light kiss, but then leave him alone. The conversation will go better if your husband stays at home for a while, takes a breath and speaks to you himself. He won't be angry, and you'll be glad you waited.
Rule #5: Support him
Support your husband in everything. If he has a cold or a sore throat, do not downplay the severity of the illness. Pay attention to the man. Look after him. Prepare his favorite soup, offer him medicine. If his favorite team lost, sympathize with him. He will appreciate it. Remember to thank and praise your spouse whenever possible when he takes out the trash, mows the lawn, or hangs a picture on the wall.
He should feel needed - and then he will feel good with you. Remember, behind every great man there is a woman who supported him! If you appreciate him, he will achieve great things! And if you believe in him, then he will believe in himself - and in you. He will want you to be proud of him. And you will be proud of it!
Rule #6: Let him win
You've fallen in love with a mansion you can't afford. He prefers to buy a smaller house so he can have money for furniture and a new car. You want to celebrate your tenth wedding anniversary in Paris according to the first category, he agrees, but does not talk about it again, and the eleventh anniversary is already around the corner. You want to have three children, two is enough for him.
Should you insist on your own or let your husband win this argument? The answer is simple: “If it’s not vitally important to you, let your husband win.” Relationships are more important than the satisfaction of having your way. It's better to be happy than always right.
Rule #7: If something doesn't concern you, deal with it.
Every man has secrets that it is better not to ask him about. If these secrets are relatively harmless (unless they are drugs, alcoholism, gambling, adultery or tax evasion), do not demand that he tell you absolutely everything. You can give subtle hints or start a conversation, but if a man prefers to keep a secret, don't force him to share everything with you.
After all, you also have your little secrets! Here are a few areas in which a man is best left alone: his relationship with his family, travel time from work to home, business secrets, his health, how much he sleeps and watches TV, how he dresses.
Rule #8: Return his gifts less often.
Do not return your husband's gifts, even if you are firmly convinced that you will never use this thing! And if the gift is perfectly acceptable (you just wouldn’t choose that color or design for yourself), say you like it and save it to please your husband. It is better to sacrifice your own taste than to offend your partner.
Rule No. 9: Don't shout, speak calmly
When it comes to men, it's not so much what you say, but the tone in which you say it. Of course, most men prefer women to speak calmly. Say what you want to say quietly and you will immediately attract attention. But if you scream, your husband will simply disconnect from contact, psychologically or literally (hang up the phone or leave the room) - even if your cry is fair, honest and important.
When you feel like yelling at your husband because he came home three hours later than he promised, or because he forgot to buy milk even though you reminded him about it twenty times, call your friend and tell her everything you were going to tell him. And when you calm down, you can talk to your husband.
Singles often perceive marriage in a very biased way: they either romanticize it or demonize it. A single friend who romanticizes marriage does not understand that quarrels are a normal part of life, that sometimes you can even hate the person you love most, that is, your husband. She believes marriage is like a perfume advertisement. When you tell such a friend about family quarrels, she makes you think that you have serious problems.
Rule #11: He can say whatever he wants about his family. You - no!
You can choose your husband, but choosing his family is not in your power. Some women are lucky - their husbands' families accept them with open arms. Others end up with real wasp nests.
Remember once and for all: you should never speak badly about his relatives, close or distant. If his family is truly terrible (evil, insignificant, insensitive and generally unpleasant), believe me, he knows it very well! He may even criticize his relatives from time to time, and this is normal - this is his family. But he won't want to hear that from anyone else, especially you.
Rule #12: Have date nights
Whether you have children or not (and even more so if you do!), you should keep the romance in your relationship. Set aside one evening exclusively for your husband - preferably a Saturday. And it doesn’t really matter whether you rent a video and order food home or go to a restaurant and a movie. The main thing is to make sure that this evening belongs only to the two of you. Invite a nanny to babysit or send the children to grandma's. You need one evening without diapers, whining, phone calls, washing dishes, family squabbles, problems with friends, colleagues and clients.
Rule #13: Rules of Sex
Whether you like it or not, whether you think it's fair or not, your sex life is determined by your husband. Whether your husband wants sex all the time or isn't interested in it at all, you'll be much happier if you accommodate him. Don't refuse your husband if he wants sex every night, even if you are a morning person. Don't demand sex from a husband who wants to watch a TV show or read a book after dinner. Go with the flow - whatever it is in your marriage.
Rule #14: Don't complain about your kids.
Your three-year-old son is rolling around in the mud and refuses to wash himself. Your five-year-old daughter doesn't want to eat anything but sweets. Both prevent you from talking on the phone for more than five minutes. You want to tear your hair out in despair and can’t wait for your husband to finally return so you can tell him in every detail what his children did that day. But this is not the best idea.
Instead, call a friend who has children and tell her about your difficult day. She will understand all your hardships and sorrows much better - and maybe even help in some way. Of course, there is nothing wrong with telling your husband how your children behaved. But if you start talking about every prank, every trick, then at some point (believe me!) your husband will simply stop communicating with you and begin to consider you a bad mother.
Rule No. 15: Don’t blame him for something you knew very well when you married him.
My husband drinks or eats too much. He earns little or, on the contrary, he is a workaholic who disappears all the time in the office. He likes to flirt or, conversely, does not show much interest in sex. He is a spender or a miser. When he courted you, you turned a blind eye to his shortcomings and idiosyncrasies because you wanted him to marry you.
You may have secretly thought that you could change him. Understand that when you got married, you accepted this man for who he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. And you must be responsible for your own decision. When you stop playing the victim (“Look at what I have to put up with, poor, miserable me!”), you can calm down and deal with your problems like an adult. Adults accept life and people as they are. They say there are no victims, only volunteers. Remember: you married him yourself!
Divorce is the most easy way resolve interpersonal problems that have been building up in the marriage for a long time. But what to do if the family comes to a divorce, and you still want to save the relationship?
First, decide what you really want: change the relationship and take it to a new level or make it “the way it was before.”
If you are more attracted to the first option, then get ready for the fact that you may have to work alone and do not expect your husband to immediately meet you halfway. It is a slow and difficult process, but always productive.
If you are attracted to the second option, then think about why you need “the same as before”? Such relationships have already led you to divorce once. To do as before means to ensure your life from quarrel to quarrel.
We suggest that you focus all your efforts on the first option and try to do the best. And “as always” can happen without effort. If you are ready for the recovery process, then we are happy to offer you several steps to improve your relationship as a couple. In this case, it does not matter what exactly caused the crisis in the relationship: treason , early marriage, obvious deficiency of one of the partners (alcoholism), first years of marriage , crisis year.
1. Make a conscious decision to save your family
Why should you save your marriage? Many couples get divorced, even after making some attempts to save the marriage, because they do not fully understand why they need it. The most important motivation is often the fear of starting life over again - that there will be no more family. In other words, fear that things will get worse. Not the most positive motivation for saving a marriage, right?
Think about whether you have such fears? Or, more precisely, is this fear at the core of the desire to save the marriage? Or do you want to restore family relationships because you remember what you were like at the beginning of your married life and recognize that both are to blame for the fact that everything went bad? Do you want to live happily and long with this person, no matter who he is?
Create positive motivation - from the heart, speak it to yourself. Get into the mindset that you want to save your marriage and know why. After all, a lot depends on this. In moments when you want to leave forever, your will will show the right path.
2. Talk to your husband
Talk honestly and openly about what doesn't suit both of you, about what you want your family to be like. You can even write down lists so you don’t get lost in the conversation or get too personal. Make a promise to each other to work on whatever your partner says. Be sure to use the aquarium principle.
Aquarium principle: While the other partner is speaking, you remain silent, no matter how much you want to say something, ask, or clarify. You can take notes or write down questions (ask them later when your partner finishes speaking). Ask questions only to understand what to do.
Example: I want you to cook dinner for me.
Right: You want me to cook even when I'm working the night shift? (search for a solution)
Wrong: So you want me to work, cook food, and you sit at the computer for days?! (change to emotions and swearing)
Compliance with this principle and subsequent work on the relationship may be quite enough to restore the marriage. However, if you are unable to have a normal conversation with your husband or the conversation does not end in anything useful, then read on and use a different method.
3. Try to find your fault in what is happening.
When we don't get what we want in a relationship, the first thing we usually do is try to change the other person. A crisis period in a relationship, when it comes to divorce, is the time to realize that this method does not work. You either cannot change forcibly, or you can, but only for a short time.
If you think that only you are right (and everything, of course, points exactly to this!), try - at least as an experiment - to accept as correct what your husband tells you (“I don’t want to give you money because you you’re not cooking”), and do as he asks. Try to make concessions first and do it sincerely, with the desire to help your husband improve and restore harmony in the family.
If you think that your husband does not fulfill his male responsibilities (he earns little, does not fix anything in the house), maybe you do not fulfill your female ones? If your husband drinks, but you want to save the marriage, then think about what he lacks in the relationship, why is he looking for salvation in alcohol?
Yes, for many this method will be radical, but saving a marriage when divorce is just around the corner requires just such methods. If you try to change yourself, you will see that your husband will begin to change, understanding your desire to save the marriage and sincere desire to give him love, despite what is happening. And if all your attempts are not heard, then you can leave with a clear conscience, without guilt and heaviness in your soul. You will learn your lessons in this relationship.
4. Define your responsibilities
The main part of family problems is solved by the correct arrangement of roles in the family and analysis of the expectations of partners.
Answer these questions: what do you ideally want your husband to be like? What do you think he should do to make you happy? What kind of person should you be in this case? How to behave towards him? What to do with your family? What do you need I want to do and what are you doing now?
Check if reality is consistent with correct behavior? If it disagrees, then you need to either lower your expectations from your husband or raise the bar for yourself.
Remember that you and your husband will not be able to do the same thing, because, as you know, equally charged particles always repel. If you both work, most likely after work you just want to relax without anyone bothering you.
Think about whether your job is worth the lost family relationships? Of course, you shouldn’t quit right away and devote yourself to home, but if you understand the very system of difficulties in relationships, it will be easier for you to find a way out.
Of course, this is just an example; you have your own situation with a million details only known to you. But the rule is the same for everyone - all areas of family life must be “covered” by someone, someone must be responsible for them. At the same time, “answering” does not mean doing it alone, no matter how difficult it may be.
For example, if you are responsible for cleaning, then this just means that you must ensure cleanliness: clean it yourself, ask your husband or child. But you shouldn’t think that someone will figure out how to remove it themselves or read your thoughts. This rule works in the same way in the other direction - with the husband.
Otherwise, there will be tension in the family, mutual reproaches, and, as a result, great discord.
If you come to the conclusion that you don’t like some of your responsibilities, and he doesn’t really like some of your husband’s responsibilities, then most likely you did everything right. This means that you were able to change the usual comfortable picture that led to divorce.
And new things are rarely immediately comfortable. You will get used to what gives your husband strength to fulfill his responsibilities. He will get used to it in the same way, seeing that his work to maintain the relationship makes you happy in the family.
5. Do your duties no matter what happens.
Everyone knows that any relationship consists of “giving” and “receiving”. During the period of falling in love, we want to give, then it becomes a habit, and in order to give the same amount, we need to receive more. The same processes occur on both sides. And everything comes to the point where you want to give only when your partner does something good for you.
It turns out to be a kind of vicious circle, and both partners live according to the well-known principle: “What, I also have to work for such a salary?” But this principle did not preserve your relationship, you couldn’t change your partner, which means something needs to be changed.
Have you decided that it’s your responsibility to prepare dinner for your husband’s arrival, but he comes sullen and starts swearing from the door about any reason? Doesn't matter cook dinner .
No one forces you to put your other cheek under attack in a smart apron and pretend to be holy and patient, but prepare dinner and calmly leave the kitchen. He will no longer be able to blame you for anything. And later, perhaps, he himself will come to his senses and begin to do what he should. Water wears away stones.
This person could be a parent, relative, or friend. If you have a believing family, you can use the help of a priest or spiritual teacher. Or maybe you will find some knowledge that will tell you how everyone should behave in order for the family to be happy, and you will rely on it in your daily relationships.
Live separately
Even if you decide to work hard to save your family, you will still need time to calm your emotions, sort out your thoughts and begin to correct the mistakes of the past in a balanced state.
7. Always treat each other with respect
A crisis in a relationship entails long conversations about the shortcomings of a partner with close friends and relatives. As a result, along the chain, everyone around you and his entourage will know what, to put it mildly, imperfect people you both are. When you decided to be together, you considered each other ideals. Therefore, you have deteriorated next to each other. Thus, by insulting your husband, you are insulting yourself.
Additionally, sideways glances or other people's direct involvement in your relationship are unlikely to do anything beneficial for your marriage. The husband, having heard what words you called him and what you reproached him with, will lose the desire to save the marriage. And it will probably be unpleasant for you to become the center of unflattering discussion and gossip.
But on the condition that everyone fulfills their duties, and not monitor how the other partner performs them.
Of course, both partners must work to save the marriage, because playing with one goal is either too difficult or does not bring quick and desired results. But remember that even if your husband is not cooperative in saving the marriage, you can try to change everything through your behavior and inspire your spouse. And you have every chance!
But if you don’t succeed, then there is no need to save such a marriage. And with your correct, fair and wise behavior, you will quickly “attract” into your life someone who will truly appreciate you.
Lyubov SHCHEGOLKOVA
Family psychology: expert advice on how to save a family when it seems that the marriage is collapsing.
Crises and problems in the family inevitably happen. Many couples break up, although both partners try to maintain the relationship, but do not know how to do this. Of course, the best solution will be suggested by a family psychologist: a consultation will not hurt either newlyweds or spouses with many years of experience. If you wish, you can always save the marriage if you do not commit rash acts and do not drag third parties into the “showdown” - parents, children, friends, employees.
Marriage and family: is it necessary to fight for them?
Yes need. More often than not, a family can really be saved and it’s worth doing. Divorce does not solve the problem at all, as many couples think. Breaking up a relationship is just one of many ways to resolve a conflict, and far from the best. The problem will remain, and each of the partners will “bring” it to a new marriage if they fail to understand its true causes.
Years after a breakup, many people realize that it could have been avoided. Considering that divorce is a difficult ordeal, and doubly so for families with children, it is better to try to improve relationships. Of course, this is a lot of work, but many couples cope with it successfully. This means there is no need to rush into a divorce.
- Learn to speak. There are two extremes: if something irritates, people either instantly flare up and speak out sharply, or remain silent, afraid of offending their partner. In the first case, the family lives “like on a volcano,” and in the second, the silence ends with a powerful explosion of indignation, which develops into a serious scandal with mutual insults. Both strategies are losing. Don't let yourself go too far, but don't build up your anger either.
- Write down your strengths and weaknesses. Everyone experiences crises when people decide for themselves how much they are willing to tolerate the shortcomings of their spouses. In moments of doubt, when it seems that you have no more strength, write down your partner’s strengths and weaknesses in two columns. Firstly, by the time you make the list, calm down. And secondly, it will help you more effectively in the difficult situation that led to the conflict.
- Exchange notes. A very effective method of establishing full contact. Many people have no idea what their partners value in them until they see a list like this. This way you will understand each other’s priorities, values, and find your unique love language.
- Praise your partner. Any criticism can be “reinterpreted”. Instead of reproaching your partner for his shortcomings, praise him for his strengths. Experts involved in the psychology of relationships assure that it will become an incentive for new positive changes, but criticism is more likely to embitter you.
- Let go of anger. If something has seriously unsettled you, give yourself 2 days to think and only then act. Forgiving, goodbye. Do not remind your partner of his past “sins” at every opportunity. Even if it is difficult for you to come to terms with what happened, try not to reproach.
Why is the help of a family psychologist irreplaceable?
According to statistics, about 70% of registered marriages end in divorce. In some cases, a breakup was inevitable, but many families could have been saved if the spouses were ready for dialogue and changing their own stereotypes. But... To understand the true essence of problems in a family, you often need the participation of a psychologist - an uninterested person who can pay attention to subtle but extremely important nuances.
It’s not without reason that they say that in someone else’s eye you can see the speck, but in their own people, most often, may not notice the log. An interesting experiment was conducted on the topic of family: couples who were desperately trying to save their falling apart marriage were shown family problems and asked to identify their essence. The results were shocking: almost all participants perfectly recognized the causes of other people's conflicts, but when it came to their own families, they could not be objective.
Conclusion: whether we like it or not, we need an “outside view.” Moreover, the problem should be dealt with by a qualified psychologist, and not by mothers or girlfriends who are emotionally involved in the conflict. The systemic therapist will talk with the spouses and perform