— Remember how Gogol said: “This morning I drank coffee without taste”? If you feel that you are in a bad mood, you want to lie at home and do nothing, you don’t want to go to work, you don’t want to love, you even have lost your appetite, then you have a problem, I’m sure psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky.
“The 116th novel - and again unsuccessful?”
Elena Plotnikova, “PRO. Health”: - Mikhail, but it’s so difficult to find something that satisfies us 100%. You can do what you love for pennies or get a lot of money and be bored at work. What to do then?
Mikhail Labkovsky: - If you are already in your 116th novel, and you are getting worse and worse, then the problem is not with men, but with you. Or you’ve already changed your tenth job, but you still don’t like it: you’re not happy with the salary, the conditions, the boss, the colleagues. You have a problem!
In general, in order to find something of your dreams (not just a job, but the person of your dreams, even the shoes of your dreams) and live the way you want, do what you like, you just need to stop being afraid. As long as you are afraid, your dream is doomed to failure.
“Let’s imagine that I’m ready for something new and I’m not afraid of anything.” How then to find exactly the loved one you need?
- The first loved one you need is in your head. As long as you have a conflict with yourself in your head, all your loved ones will not be very loved. And most importantly, you don’t really need them. Therefore, you must first establish harmony with yourself - after that, the necessary people will reach out on their own.
— If I understand that it is very difficult to change something in life, but at the same time I feel extremely dissatisfied with everything that is happening, how can I force myself to start changing something?
“Maybe the well-known survey of people who were on the verge of death, which was conducted in hospices, will help. They were asked what their biggest regret was, and they all gave the same answer: not living the life they wanted. And here everyone needs to stop for a minute and think: what if there is no tomorrow? Maybe this will encourage you to change something in your life.
Books about children
— You said that the feeling of loneliness comes from childhood and most often those who are either overloaded by their parents or those who were not given due attention become lonely. Can you give advice to parents on how to properly distribute the workload, how much time children should study and how much time parents should devote to the child?
— There is no specific plan for interaction between parents and children, which everyone must adhere to and strictly implement. Therefore, I will say this: you don’t need to feed your children with cartoons, you don’t need to burden them with activities all the time so that they don’t have free time. Don't set a schedule for your children. Let them have the opportunity to plan their own time. For example, give them about 2 hours each day to keep themselves occupied. Limit your time spent on gadgets - no more than 1.5 hours on a weekday and no more than 4 hours on weekends.
— Books or lectures on education can help you build your own line of behavior with a child, or should this be laid down, as they say, by nature?
- You know, sometimes it helps. If parents go to lectures and read specialized literature, it means that they approach education intelligently and are interested in their children. Besides, where is the young woman from? nulliparous woman may know the features, for example, of the period breastfeeding, younger children and so on, if not from books? All this helps you better understand your children and treat them correctly.
“I wouldn’t replace one with the other.” Yes, there is a lot of literature and lectures, but everyone in the family has their own problem, for which you need to find a topic that suits you. Therefore, both are useful.
“I’m convinced: a woman needs money!”
“It seems only women turn to you for help.” Do men have problems?
- There are, of course, quite a few. In fact, only 60% of my patients are women, the remaining 40% are men.
—What excites them most when they come?
— Men are only concerned about two things: personal problems associated with depression, neuroses, and relationship problems when relationships with the opposite sex do not work out. But women have a greater range of problems: relationships with men, children, their own instability, and so on.
— By the way, about the instability. Despite the fact that a woman has long been able to occupy leadership positions, part of society believes that her place is at the stove and she should be completely subordinate to a man. What is your opinion on this matter?
“A woman doesn’t owe anyone anything at all.” If she obeys, she will not be loved for it. Moreover, I am convinced that a woman must earn money in order to be independent from a man. If she earns money, a weak man will crawl away, since she will be too much for him, but a strong man will be pleased and will evoke a feeling of respect. Work gives a woman a certain freedom. If a woman does not earn money, the “adult - child” game starts, where the man plays the role of a parent who also gives money. A woman runs to him with torn boots and says: “I need new ones!” And he answered: “No, no, now we’ll take it to the workshop and you’ll wear it for another season.” The man knows that she has nowhere to go, he is the master of the situation. Such men are not confident in themselves and thereby try to control the woman, forcing her not to work. In the end, it all ends with reproaches that he feeds her and benefits her.
Find a husband? Difficult, but possible
- You know, they say differently: if a woman is strong and earns money herself, it will be very difficult for her to find a husband.
- Yes, it will be difficult for a successful woman to find a husband to match herself. I often hear about such problems. Because wealthy women do not need men who are completely unsuccessful and earn less than them. After all, they won’t even be able to relax together, not to mention the rest.
- Then another p-problem arises: the businesswoman found a man, gave birth to a child, but the desire for a career remains, she is not going to become a housewife. What to do?
- Don’t kill yourself either at home or at work, but just live, earn money and take care of your children at the same time - all without fanaticism.
— Often women, because they are afraid to be left alone, suffer troubles from their husbands, without showing emotions, without expressing their desires. What could this lead to?
- To two options: either she will be exchanged for a more successful woman with self-respect, or they, completely unhappy, will limp into old age. And the most interesting thing is that by old age a woman gets so used to this format of relationships that she will consider them normal.
“Very often, women cannot leave relationships that do not bring them joy, and instead they come up with a bunch of excuses. What's stopping them?
“In fact, it’s fear and the need for suffering that get in the way.” And excuses are attempts to convince yourself why she doesn’t leave (no money, no job, no apartment, there are children, etc.). In fact, she just likes this kind of relationship, she’s used to it and doesn’t know anyone else. Here the only way To figure out what’s going on in your head, go to a psychologist. In principle, I am convinced: if a person has an internal conflict and he cannot solve it on his own, he should definitely contact a psychologist.
Biography facts
- Mikhail Labkovsky was born on June 17, 1961 in Moscow.
- Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University named after M.V. Lomonosov, specializing in “general, family and developmental psychology.”
- He also has a legal education - a specialist in family law.
- For some time he lived, studied and worked in Israel, where he additionally received a second degree in psychology.
- In Israel, he held the position of full-time psychologist in the service for working with adolescents in juvenile colonies at the Jerusalem City Hall.
- Since 2004, he has hosted the weekly interactive program “Adults about Adults” on the Ekho Moskvy radio station.
- Today he hosts a program with the same name on the “Silver Rain” radio station, speaks in “Rules of Life” on the “Culture” channel, and gives public lectures.
Mikhail Labkovsky is a top-class Russian psychologist with 30 years of experience and 20 years of experience in live radio and television broadcasting. This is the experience of an instant response to a question and the ability to make a diagnosis without a multi-hour appointment, which has allowed many to change their lives for the better.
With his speeches, Mikhail Labkovsky changed ideas about both psychologists and lectures. It would be more accurate to call them public consultations. This is a unique genre that does not involve lecturer monologues, canonical text and homework.
The author of the bestseller “I want and will: Accept yourself, love life and become happy,” Labkovsky became famous for his straightforward, honest and therefore somewhat harsh statements. We offer you a selection of his most interesting tips about everything in the world:
1. You can’t stand on tiptoe all your life, and being disappointed is always more painful than showing your real self in the first place.
2. Do you know what the fundamental difference is between a healthy person and a neurotic? A healthy person also suffers, but from real stories. And a neurotic suffers from fictional stories. And if there is not enough suffering, he also catches up with his beloved Kafka, Dostoevsky and the bottle.
3. The only time in a person’s life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on his parents. It doesn't last long. In other cases, staying in any relationship is the choice of an adult.
4. If you don’t like the way a man behaves, you don’t need to look for excuses for his behavior. A situation in which “he didn’t call back” means the end of a relationship for a healthy girl, and the beginning of love for an unhealthy girl.
5. If you are an aggressive person, and you pour out this aggression on a child, then he develops fears, anxiety, and self-doubt. Express yourself naturally: behave the way you behave - if you don’t like something, that means you don’t like it, you’re upset - that means you’re upset.
6. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world.
7. There is a category of people who believe that living for your own pleasure is selfishness. In fact, these people were taught by their parents in childhood that they cannot live the way they want. They were told that there is a main word - “must”. A person should live the way he likes, and there is nothing wrong with that.
8. A woman should never tolerate anything in a relationship that she doesn’t like. She should talk about it right away, and if the man does not change, she should break up with him.
9. The key to a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner lies in only one thing - a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct road to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.
10. Healthy people always choose themselves, but neurotic people choose relationships to their detriment, and this is the most important difference.
11. A healthy person does not want to get married. The first thing you have to do is stop wanting to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself.
12. When the flight attendant shows you the life-saving equipment, what does she say about the oxygen masks? “If you are traveling with a child, provide yourself with a mask first, then the child.” That's the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, while remaining an absolute psycho. That's not how it works. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.
13. When you are not loved, you should not cling to people.
14. Any conflict in the family, at work, in love and friendship is only a reflection of your internal conflict. Therefore, you don’t need to deal with others, you need to deal with yourself.
15. People are not liked because they bend. A woman will be just an empty place for a man if it is impossible to say about her who she is, what she is and what she likes for breakfast. The paradox is that men simply adore bitchy women.
16. Men, like children, like it when a woman has character.
17. Men are designed in such a way that since the time of their mother, they only approach those who give them approval with their eyes. A healthy man is like a child. He approaches when the woman smiles at him, looks into his eyes...
18. We measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy love is about how happy you are.
19. As for finding a partner, I’ll tell you who to look for? The only quality your partner can have is that he clings to you. Everything else doesn't play any role at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no “bars”.
20. A normal person does not continue a relationship in which he is not respected. However, he won’t even start them.
21. Both spouses come home from work, both tired. And there is a mountain of unwashed dishes. The question is not whose turn it is to wash the dishes and not that “I’m going to bend over backwards now because my husband earns more.” And it’s not that your husband will wash the dishes just because you spent the night with your child. You should want to do the dishes because you love your spouse so much that you don't want him to stress out. This is the only reason to wash dishes.
You don’t concede anything to anyone - you really want to do it out of love. And the husband also washes the dishes, because he enjoys it, and not because “oh, I’m tired of everything, now there will be a scandal, she will scream. I’d better wash it, at least the house will be quiet.”
22. Loneliness is not the absence of love around. This is a lack of interest in oneself, and since childhood.
23. The reason for women's problems is not that he behaves like a goat. The reason is that she has a neurosis that requires an outlet. And for this exit, a certain person and relationship are needed in which she could suffer. Therefore, she specifically enters into such relationships, because she has had a mental need for this since childhood.
24. A child begins to behave aggressively after about two years - he behaves like the rest of the animal world. He is trying to understand his boundaries: he can punch his mother in the face, start fighting with his hands and feet, gnawing and biting. This is a natural manifestation of a child who is trying “like a young animal” to understand what he can and cannot do.
25. Family therapy is a scam. There is only one type of family therapy that I consider truly useful - psychological mediation in divorce cases.
26. Modesty does not decorate anyone. Due to complexes, uncertainty and low self-esteem, a girl lives without sex and relationships, not because she is scary, but because she treats herself poorly. The psychologist's task is to rid her of this.
27. The meaning of life is in life itself. The purpose of life is to enjoy it. Life guideline is self-realization.
28. Children and dad have their own relationship. For some reason, women try to hide behind their children, but what does this have to do with marriage? Dad either loves children or doesn’t love them - and it doesn’t matter whether their mother is married to him or not.
29. For a healthy person, everything happens as follows: he loves someone, someone loves him. This is the only possible normal relationship.
Do you know someone who could really use these tips?
From the lecture “Mikhail Labkovsky: how to increase self-esteem”:
- “In order to please others, you must first please yourself.”
- “The secret of female attractiveness is not the ability to apply makeup or walk in high heels. All this is useless if there is no main thing - self-love.”
Where does this love or dislike for oneself come from?
It all starts in childhood. If a child grows up with normal, happy parents, he grows up with a healthy love for himself. As an adult, he loves himself and those people who love him. He is simply not interested in anything else.
This is the result of an ideal childhood. Often situations in childhood are different. Either mom and dad constantly quarrel, or the child grows up with his grandmother, and not with his parents. And thus childish love is associated with suffering. Insecurity and self-pity arise.
If parents pull their child back all the time, rarely praise him and always grumble, then he grows up to be an insecure adult.
Labkovsky appeals to all parents to praise and pamper their children. He claims that it is impossible to fall in love. But it’s easy to dislike. Therefore, more often call girls “princesses”, boys “heroes” and so on.
And the psychologist is also sure that a person who does not love himself is incapable of love at all. Without self-love there is no mutual love.
Do you love yourself?
To understand whether you love yourself or not, describe yourself as it looks from the outside. Character, appearance, some features. And then ask yourself a question: would you like such a person yourself. This will be the answer to an important question.
Often people say that they are not even able to describe themselves, everything is vague and amorphous. This is already a distress signal. It turns out that there is nothing? How to love this “Nothing”? Here you already need to deal with your head. Why, why can’t a person clearly define himself and his traits?
Until you become an individual and love this inner person in yourself, none of those around you will be able to love you either.
Remember, do people around you like people who agree with everyone, always agree and don’t have their own opinion on anything? They don’t like, they don’t respect, they don’t notice.
How to learn to love yourself?
Labkovsky identifies several main theses:
- You have to accept yourself as you are.
As they say, what grows, grows. You need to grow self-love.
- Don't hold a grudge in your heart.
If you don’t like the way your girlfriend or beloved man behaves, you need to say so directly. Yes, it will probably lead to a break in the relationship. But it is more likely that you will become more respected and appreciated.
And also, do not hold grudges against yourself for mistakes and mistakes. Don't focus on them. You've worked on your mistakes, move on. Don't punish or scold yourself.
- Perceive yourself as a whole.
Many women like to “dismember” themselves: the hair is beautiful, but the legs are not so much, the eyes are big, but the breasts are small. So, you need to focus on the fact that you are good in general. The whole thing.
- Try to understand for yourself what exactly you want.
Women's self-esteem is greatly influenced by other people's opinions. Many women cannot live without the approval of the majority. They constantly ask others if a new hairstyle suits them; in stores they torment saleswomen with the question of whether the dress matches the eyes.
We need to get rid of this. And buy what suits your soul, and cut your hair as you please.
The phrases “how do I look” and “does this suit me?” must be on the blacklist.
- Also learn how to respond to compliments normally.
There is no need to deny them, to say, oh well, it wasn’t worth it, it seemed to you. It is enough to say the phrase: “Thank you, I am very pleased,” and this will be a step towards strengthening your self-confidence.
- Never change your decisions.
You decide to do this, go there, wear this, and follow through with it. Be firm with yourself and with those around you.
- Constantly tell yourself how unique and inimitable you are.
Don't try to compare yourself to others. The more often you praise and encourage yourself, the more confident you are within yourself. And love yourself with unconditional love.
Labkovsky says: “If you like yourself, then you behave like a person with high self-esteem and self-respect. Then those around you will perceive you that way. Looks or anything else has nothing to do with it."
Your self-esteem is in your head
If you decide that you are smart, beautiful, then so be it. And if at some stage in your life you told yourself that you are not very, so-so, then it is so.
Did you understand this trick?
Self-esteem is a purely subjective concept. TO objective reality has no relation. You decide how good you are.
Because there is no universal criterion of beauty in the world. Remember Rubens and Kustodiev, the Renaissance with shaved eyebrows. Even in our century, the concept of beauty changes every year. Don't look for comparisons, don't get along.
Many women are often unhappy with their appearance. What do they do to shorten noses and lengthen legs! It's all from self-dislike. It comes from within. You need to deal with your own perception of yourself, and not with your breasts or butt.
Labkovsky calls to remember examples of fatal beauties from the history of mankind who controlled the destinies of the world. These were not always beautiful women, but they were definitely women with high self-esteem and self-respect.
A person who loves himself follows 6 rules:
- He only does what he likes.
Not what is needed, not what is effective or expedient. He only does what he loves to do.
- And also he does not do what he does not like, to his detriment.
Not for the sake of peace on earth, not for the sake of money and profit. Such a person does not fight with himself, but accepts himself completely, unconditionally.
- And also, a person who loves himself speaks directly about what he doesn’t like.
Husband, friend, colleagues, child, parents. He doesn't want to be in an uncomfortable relationship, so he tries to overcome dissatisfaction. Clarify the situation, indicate your position.
- A person who loves and respects himself does not talk much or in vain.
He respects himself and his interlocutor.
- He only answers the questions asked.
He doesn’t meddle in other people’s affairs, as he prefers not to be interfered with in his life either.
- If he sorts things out with someone, he talks only about himself and his vision of the situation.
Doesn't try to get into his opponent's head. Thus, he shows respect not only for himself, but also for his partner.
If you previously had the opportunity to familiarize yourself with the activities of Mikhail Labkovsky, these rules are familiar to you. They are applicable in all areas of our lives, be it increasing self-esteem or raising children. This is what the famous psychologist says.
Mikhail Labkovsky Photo courtesy of the press service
Why are you so happy?
You and I have one peculiarity: happiness is not popular in our country. At all. For many, it is actually banned.
Most people live in families where it is not customary to enjoy life, it is not customary to say that everything is fine with us, we are not complaining. The inability of parents to smile and enjoy life is passed on to their children. They grow up confident that this is how life works. And they consider it necessary to respond to phrases like “Why are you so happy?” by making excuses.
Another, if you like, feature of our mentality is the idea that if it’s good now, then you will definitely have to pay for it. The same thing: “Are you laughing? Well, well, I hope I don’t have to cry later.” We are afraid to enjoy life by associating it with something vicious.
Comes from childhood
Most of our internal problems, no matter how trivial it may sound, are rooted in deep childhood. We live - as best we can, as best we can, somehow not too happily - and don’t even think that something is wrong. Problems? Fears? Uncertainty, inability to realize oneself, lack of faith in one’s strength? Well, what to do, such a character, there’s nothing you can do about it.
Moreover, we are accustomed to thinking that all stimuli come from outside. And so - since childhood. Here is a five-year-old child sitting, eating his favorite porridge - and suddenly starts crying. Mom is confused:
- What's happened?
- The boy... took the car away! (And he actually took it away - two years ago.)
That is, such a small person sits and provokes tears in himself. The fact is that he needs negativity, and even when nothing happens, he can get confused and find something to make himself suffer.
A neurotic person worries once...
How does this mechanism work? A neurotic gets up in the morning - and he is already anxious, and it is not clear why. And the psyche - it works like a computer: it begins to look for something to cling to and in which (or in whom) to place the alarm. The two main feelings of a neurotic are resentment and humiliation. He simply needs negativity, and the psyche clings to it, “giving” him reasons. And a neurotic always finds someone to blame for his own experiences - as a rule, close people.
In addition, for a neurotic, self-love is pity. That is, he needs to get into such a psychological situation in order to begin to feel sorry for himself: this is how unfairly they treat me, treat me badly, offend me.
And this, paradoxically, reveals the protective function of the psyche. Because if a neurotic does not find the culprit of his troubles and condition, then what? That's right - he will become the culprit and begin to gnaw at himself, and here he is not far from depression. So, in order to avoid such situations, the psyche assigns those to blame “automatically.”
Neurotic life usually follows one of two scenarios. Some live guided by the word “should”, others set goals for themselves, bang their heads against the wall to overcome difficulties, and at the same time get rid of internal tension.
There is an exception here - dependent people, alcoholics and drug addicts. They relieve internal tension and pain with the help of “improvised means”: vodka, drugs. Due to alkaloids, opiates and other substances, they are “released” at the biochemical level. But this is a direct road to depression (the price of five minutes of high is a week of deep depression), and then to the grave.
The worse the better: how we choose an unhappy scenario
How and why does a woman choose to be unhappy? Let's look at a few examples. Example one: a woman meets a man. She likes him, but his behavior makes her worry - he suddenly stops calling, stops paying attention, loses interest, maybe even behaves rudely. She had already gone through this story as a child with her dad: her father was not interested in her, ignored her, was absent, or went on endless binges.
Of course, there is no need to exaggerate: such a woman does not necessarily choose a man exactly like her father, but some similar traits should hook her. And she must enter into the same relationship with him as with her dad - only this will provide her with both attraction and love.
The second example, and another common cause of unhappiness, is social pressure. Endless “brainwashing”, reminders of the “biological clock”, advice to “take what they give” before it’s too late. Well, a woman “takes”: out of fear of being left alone, many enter into relationships that do not bring joy, love, flawed relationships, in which no one loves anyone at all. Both he and she in such a union believe that they deserve more, better or simply different, but due to circumstances they are forced to put up with what is.
And finally, another classic case - spending time with married men. Yes, there is a lottery element to this. I, and you probably have friends whose lovers divorced their previous wives and married them. And yet this is not for everyone. Of course, you can fall in love with a married man - no one is immune from this - but then everything is simple. You tell him: get a divorce and call, but only quickly - I won’t wait long. If you don't get divorced, goodbye. But in order to do this, you must have a healthy psyche, not sharpened by suffering.
It's never too late to change your mind
Psychiatrists say that our psyche becomes stable only at the age of 30: reactions, experiences, emotional world, and worldview are finally formed. But what should those who have already reached this age and become “ossified” in their habits do? Is there a way to destroy this system, the reflex arc, break the neural connections and develop new ones?
Answer: yes, and at any age. It is not for nothing that gerontologists suggest that older people walk backwards, learn foreign languages, poems, and eat soup with the other hand - so that new neural channels are formed in the brain. With age, the brain deteriorates, and this forces the creation of new neural connections.
However, it is not at all necessary to walk with your back while holding a soup spoon in your left hand: my six rules are precisely what help the psyche change. Let me briefly remind you of these rules:
- Do only what you want.
- Don't do what you don't want to do.
- Talk about what you don’t like right away.
- Don't answer when not asked.
- Answer only the question.
- When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.
At one time, in childhood, by repeating stereotypical decisions, you brought your behavior to automatism (though not on purpose: “it’s on its own”). Now you need to do the same thing, but consciously - and “in the other direction.”
At first, you may look like a complete slowdown: your psyche will give you ready-made solutions, push you into typical reactions, but your task is to act in a new way, after analyzing the situation and listening to yourself. Was there a question? If so, what's the best way to answer it? How do you feel: do you like it or not? So you're watching a movie: are you really interested - or do you want to get up and leave? And so it is in everything.
And you should no longer care. Just imagine: you have an employer, and you are emotionally attached to him. Fear is holding you back: you took out a loan, bought a car, you think you depend on it. And you shouldn't care. And if someone doesn’t understand you, then that’s not your problem either.
Once you begin to break the established habit of being a victim, you may discover a huge number of imposed ideas and behavioral stereotypes. You will understand that most complexes and fears are imposed on you by others. What seemed normal and correct pulls you down, prevents you from being yourself, and prevents you from developing.
Understand one more important thing: only happy man can make those around you happy.
Work on mistakes
Change is never easy, it is real work. And if you feel that it’s hard for you, that you are “slowing down,” it means that a change in neural connections is happening in your head. The fact that this is not easy for you is the main criterion that you are changing. The psyche will resist, and this is normal. And those around you will certainly make it clear that your behavior is unusual and often unpleasant for them. But this is your life - you will have to sacrifice many of those around you.
In addition, you will learn a lot of new things about yourself, and not always pleasant ones. You will have to get rid of illusions and see yourself without embellishment. It may also happen that your loved one suddenly ceases to seem interesting and attractive to you. Looking around, you may not find like-minded people nearby at all. But it’s worth it: being yourself is great happiness!
And most importantly: the psyche is based on actions, on actions, and not on words. You get up and leave a boring performance that a friend invited you to, quit a job where you are treated poorly, and your psyche registers a fundamentally different behavior and begins to change. But banging your fist on the table and complaining is useless - you only talk, but do nothing.
And it doesn’t matter at all whether you achieve something in life or not. The only thing that matters is whether you live your life joyfully and with pleasure. If you don't have fun, then what difference does it make what you have achieved, what your status is, how much you earn?
Many great people, including Dostoevsky, lived deeply unhappy lives. Now it’s a pleasure for us to read in our leisure time, but the man suffered. You may still be accustomed to thinking that discomfort and suffering are the norm. But that's not true. The world is colorful and full, and you can just live and be happy, and you don’t need anything special for this. So the main question is not “to be or not to be,” but whether you get joy from life or not. Nothing more serious and important simply exists.
On November 29, at Mercury Space, Mikhail Labkovsky, with the support of Lancôme and the Snob project, will give his lecture “Happiness: instructions for use.” The event will be held as part of a series of lectures “Happiness being yourself”, dedicated to the search for harmony and a source of inspiration on the path to happiness.
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Mikhail, you recently participated in the STS show “Supermomochka”. What was your role in that project?
My role is complex. Firstly, I comment on the actions of the heroines. Secondly, they ask me questions about their lives, children, relationships with children. But not about food and cleanliness, and I don’t understand that. Plus, I evaluate them: I can give ten points to the mother who I consider the winner, and this can affect the final result. Interestingly, mothers themselves also rate each other. That is, one participant determines how well the other cooks, whether she cleans cleanly, or whether she is a good parent.
How different are the heroines on the show? Or are they similar in many ways?
It seems to me that our heroines are a cross-section of the Russian family. Firstly, many are raising children without husbands. But according to statistics, 54% of families in Russia are single-parent. Secondly, what is not accepted in European countries is welcome here. But in general, they are completely different: it could be a DJ in a nightclub, a ballet dancer, a housewife, a scientist. They have different relationships with life, children and husbands (who, of course, have them).
Maybe someone was particularly memorable?
Television is television, and I find myself participating in the entertainment process. But I am also a psychologist, so for me the most memorable and interesting thing is when, in the process of communication, a mother changes her attitude towards life and the child. This is what I remember the most.
You said that you rated mothers based on whether their children were happy. What is happiness for you? And is there any universal way to it?
Happiness for me is a state that occurs infrequently (it is simply impossible to be happy all the time), but it is wonderful. The path to it is very simple and clear. Only people with a light psyche can be happy: not heavy, not confused, not overloaded with dialogues and monologues in their heads. Unfortunately, happiness is not available to people with feelings of resentment, anger, and humiliation. But this is exactly what psychologists help with - to become “easier”.
Do you have an easy character?
It became lighter than it was before. When the character was difficult, I was not happy. The heaviness of character does not make it possible to enjoy life.
You started your career more than 30 years ago. Psychologists were probably not popular in those years. How has the situation changed during this time?
When I started working at the school (I was a student then), the director did not know what to do with me. The bet was 69 rubles, but what to do? At that time there was no manual from the Ministry of Education, no one wrote what a psychologist should actually do. Today there are psychologists in almost every school.
Today, of course, we are visiting psychologists more often. Why? Because television, radio, magazines - everyone talks about it. And people began to see this as an opportunity to improve their quality of life. Without a psychologist, of course, you won’t die, but you’re unlikely to be happy either. The point is not how long you live, but how happy your life will be. People began to understand that it was possible to get rid of fears and anxiety, and over the years the level of culture of psychology has increased. And this is a big role of television.
In general, is the topic of psychology a good basis for a television project?
I view television as entertainment, so I don’t like programs that “load”: when psychologists take out a patient’s brain, the patient takes out the psychologist’s brain, the viewer takes out the brain, everyone takes out each other’s brain. But, as a rule, neurotic viewers love to watch this.
For example, in the series “Psychotherapy”, patients come to the hero-therapist, tell him everything that is happening in their lives, and this is what the series consists of. I turned it off in the second episode because I don’t want to watch people break, kill, and cry. I love watching funny programs about the same psychologists.
Is it true that every psychologist is a shoemaker without boots, and he needs his own psychologist?
It is a misconception that psychologists are healthier than patients. Usually they are even more confused.
As for how psychologists are doing with their psychologists. Firstly, psychologists, as a rule, are people with problems, otherwise they would not want to hear about other people’s troubles for money. By studying psychology, they also solve their own problem. I also started with this, but I managed to break out of this circle, reducing the problems to a minimum. And you know, I immediately became uninterested in working as a psychologist. I switched to lectures and now see very few clients.
In the West, you simply won’t be given a license as a psychologist until another psychologist confirms that you spent the required number of hours with him
Secondly, all over the world, psychologists are required to attend supervision: to lay out their problems to another psychologist, so as not to shift them onto their patients. For example, in the film “My Best Lover,” Uma Thurman’s 40-year-old heroine goes to a psychologist and talks about her affair with a 20-year-old guy. And the psychologist played by Meryl Streep suddenly realizes that this is her son, but cannot say anything, because she is a psychologist and provides help. She has to go to her supervisor and, sobbing, talk about her misfortune.
Moreover, in the West, you simply will not be given a license as a psychologist until another psychologist confirms that you spent a certain number of hours with him. This is not the case in Russia. They walk, but not much.